A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "Dude make a left." "Those are trees... " "Trust me."

Demetri Martin

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.Mark Twain

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Anonymous

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Anonymous

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright

Everybody is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.
Anonymous

To err is human -- but it feels divine.
Mae West

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
G. K. Chesterton

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
Anonymous


Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Franklin P. Jones


A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
Josh Billings

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Elayne Boosler